Blog Posts

Stop Being Picky!

9/15/2014

Was told again today I should stop being so picky!

A few years ago I wrote a piece on this very subject.

On being "Picky"

People have an unrealistic expectation of the number of people they can truly connect with. If we are looking for the right kind of romantic relationship, then all of us might have one or two people during our lifetimes that we can actually LOVE romantically and LIKE as we would a best friend. There aren't twenty, ten or even five.

So many people ask me "Chris, why are you so picky?"... But picky does not exist.....

I prove it this way......

I ask these people a simple question... now just follow me for a minute...

I ask. "In the past five years, how many NEW people have you met that are today your DAILY best friends?"

Think about this... Most people will say 1) that they have met one new person or none... 2) that this person is of the same gender and 3) that their DAILY best friends are from long ago..

Now, this makes perfect sense... and if you answered the question, you probably had a similar answer.....

So I then turn it around and ask them the same question that they just asked me but worded differently...

I ask them “Why are you so picky about best friends ?" They look at me confused, and then they realize my point and it becomes very clear...

If we are looking for the right romantic relationship and not just a one night stand, finding this will be MUCH LESS FREQUENT than even finding a new best friend.... Think about it. If we meet a best friend when we are older it is most times someone of the same gender. So, to find someone of the opposite gender that we can 1) truly be best friends with AND 2) be attracted to physically and romantically is a stroke of luck.

Most people don't think about it this way and they get very frustrated with what seems to be constant failure. But this is not our failure at all. If you have met dozens of people and are still alone, you are on the right track and you are looking for the right thing.

It could take many years to find a true romantic partner to share our lives with or it could happen tomorrow.... BUT it can't be once every month or even twice every year for the rest or our lives.. It simply is not possible...

So, if you are going from lover to lover, realize that there is no way that a true romantic love based on deep friendship can happen that often and that you may be fooling yourself each time.

I just keep the romantic faith everyday that I will find her.

When I do, we will both quickly know that our years of romantic loneliness are gone forever.

All she need do is appear.

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Domestic Violence and Parenting

9/15/2014

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Predators and abusers do not just suddenly appear. They are raised in households over many years and then let loose on society.

Discussing the parenting received by violent offenders seems to be a taboo. This is a taboo that needs to end. When I read stories about rape on college campuses I rarely see the spotlight being cast on the family that raised and produced these violent young men. There are calls for society to do something or government. This is part of a trend for the past 50 years. The minimization of the family, especially mothers, and government and institutions thinking they know best.

Parents need to be held accountable and their home lives evaluated to see what type of parenting led to such violent and sociopathic individuals.

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Fatherhood Changes Brain Chemistry

9/8/2014

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This is an amazing article on how fatherhood changes brain chemistry. It is well worth reading. I look forward to your comments.

http://www.wired.com/2014/07/how-becoming-a-father-changes-your-brain/

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The Desert Island Question

9/8/2014

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The Desert Island Question basically asks, “If you were on a desert island and would never see another person again and could never view yourself in a mirror, would you still feel the same urgency to do what you want to do?”

This question is meant to create a teaching moment. In my experience, with my three daughters, when socially pressured requests are asked of me, reframing their request with The Desert Island Question really puts things in proper perspective for them. Then a discussion can begin in which you are teaching your children, not just dictating to them.

My children started using The Desert Island Question in their minds very quickly from a young age. A seven-year-old can understand this, and that is when I started to use it as a parenting tool. This type of parenting makes your children independent thinkers and gives them real tools that they can use their entire lives.

The Desert Island Question is a simple method to teach a child self-observation.

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Talking to Children - The Basic Foxhole Father Philosophy

9/4/2014

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The basic Foxhole Father philosophy starts with becoming the masculine nonjudgmental sanctuary for your children. This should be the basis for your fathering.

This leads to communicating with your children in very deliberate ways.
Throughout my book, Foxhole Father, The Field Guide for Fathers, I explain what this means.

Your children will face life choices every day.

Your Foxhole Father mission is to teach them the life skills to successfully navigate those choices.

You are the first and most important teacher they will ever have. You are their life’s guide. Every interaction with your children must start with absolute respect for them as individuals.

Your children will say or do things that upset you. That is a given. This book will show you how to approach these situations to give your children the best possible outcomes.

When situations arise, listen with respect and objectivity. If you believe they are about to make a decision NOT in their best interest, express why you believe that. Remember, your reasons should always be based on their best interest. Express them that way. Your advice should never be based on your personal feelings.

You should always acknowledge that you know their best thought process brought them to the choices they are making. You should always acknowledge that they are human just like you, and that they are doing the best they can to navigate their lives.

Most importantly, your interaction with your children at these moments needs to be free of judgments.

Have faith that there are ways to have constructive discussions related to controversial and emotionally charged topics. Much of this is in your control and in the level of self-control you maintain. If you are truly dedicated, you can become the father your children need and deserve, ever considering the long-term ramifications of even the smallest interaction.

Most fathers feel an overwhelming urgency to have an immediate answer to every question and an immediate solution to every problem. We naturally want problems quickly resolved. Yes, during our evolution, this trait made for a successful cave man, but it is sometimes a terrible trait to have while parenting.

We need to fight this tendency and learn to pause and self-observe.

The Foxhole Father exhibits great self control.

Once we control our tendency toward instinctive and reactive problem solving, we can begin to parent deliberately.

You have a life’s worth of perspectives and insights formed from your accumulated experiences.

These are some of your best parenting tools.

If you use them properly, they can:

Help your child better understand situations they are experiencing, and then you can …
detail potential consequences, short- and long-term, that they may not have considered and then …
teach them how their actions may be perceived by the world.

If you don’t approach your children the right way, all of the benefits of your life experiences could be ignored by them.

The perspectives and insights, acquired over our lifetimes, form the very fabric of our psychological and emotional being. We can call these our “gut feelings” or “instincts,” but they also can be called ingrained personal tendencies and biases.

Why is this important to realize, especially when it comes to parenting?

When we are presented with a child-related issue of any kind, these ingrained personal tendencies and biases are going to rise quickly in our hearts and minds and attempt to guide and filter our parenting. Our inner cave man will want to come out, but we must learn to leave him in his cave!

We need to remember it’s not about us, and our parenting instincts derived from our life experience will not necessarily equate to the correct parenting for our children. So, using one of my basic parenting tenets, we should evaluate every situation individually and with an open mind, and base our parenting on what is best for the child. This type of parenting is more difficult and more time consuming.

How so?

Some fathers will use their first knee-jerk reactions in situations. They will simply follow their initial reactions. These emotion-based decisions are quick and easy for the father but sometimes harmful for the children. This type of decision making rarely considers the child adequately.

The Foxhole Father will take each parenting moment separately and evaluate it based on what is best for each individual child. The Foxhole Father is much more thoughtful and deliberate.

No matter what the situation or topic—romance, grades, sex, or drugs—you should take a systematic approach. You need to understand where your child is within his or her development emotionally, psychologically, and physically. You then must parent that unique child through the situation.

Too often parents react to basic facts and make incorrect assumptions without allowing their children to fully express themselves. These incorrect assumptions are then filtered through the parent’s accumulated life experience, the child’s best interest is not considered, and parenting decisions are made. We can all see how this can lead to parenting disasters. Many parenting situations are treated one dimensionally and with little planning and forethought about the best possible outcomes.

You never have to make these common mistakes again.

What are the basic steps?

Remain calm and respectful; talk in a normal tone; never escalate.
Listen to the facts without interruption.
Listen to your child’s feelings without interruption.
Ignore your personal feelings and biases.
Never use judgmental or critical language
Filter your fathering through what is best for your child.
Suggest solutions.

These steps become more important as the intensity of the parenting situation rises.

The steps listed above will teach your child to be thoughtful and deliberate about their actions, and conscious of the ramifications of them.

Your children will begin to use these steps themselves. These are emotional skills that will help them every day of their lives.

Learning and using the steps above could open you and your children to an entirely new relationship.

These concepts are explored in greater detail in the chapters to come.

Intense situations are some of the best teaching moments you will ever have, so don’t waste them. We need to make the best parenting impact during these moments. Too often teaching moments are lost to loud voices and high emotions on both sides. By becoming a Foxhole Father, you can break harmful parenting patterns.

Foxhole Father gives you tools to avoid many common parenting pitfalls.

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